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Thursday, 24 September 2009

ok wow i haven't written anything here in a really fucking long time.
but anyway.

i deleted my poem because you're right
i was just upset because i hate it when people look through my stuff.
thanks-

but anyway
i'm going to start updating more with stuff i've written
so yeah :3

Saturday, 27 June 2009

tiny updatee :]
- -

Maybe it’s sad that these are now memories. And maybe it’s not sad.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go.
-bright eyes.

There's a hole in the ground,
Where a key can be found.
To a place where they hide,
All their secrets inside.
There's a room with no sound,
there's a force all around.
There's no time,
And no space,
No mistakes,
To erase.
Crossing The Rubicon
-the sounds.

You see things.
You keep quiet about them.
And you understand.

I don’t even remember the season.
I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that I belonged somewhere.

Friday, 26 June 2009

I'm okay.

I guess they were right when they said time heals all wounds.
because yesterday I went and volunteered with my brother and my mom at a camp and made breakfast, then went shopping, and I feel about a million times better.
i think im going to make it through this.
and thank you so much for the advice in my crazy blog entry
it REALLY helped.
thankyouuu. :]]

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Im considering deleting this account

idk no one ever reads the stuff i upload.
im updating it for myself.
ahhh...

im not okay
IM NOT OKAY
im not FUCKING OKAY.

EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
MY FACE IS BREAKING OUT
MY EYES ARE ALL BLACK
I LOOK LIKE SHIT
I CANNOT STOP THESE FUCKING TEARS FROM FALLING

I FEEL SO HOPELESS.
AND UGLY
AND ALONE.

yeah.
so i went to his house yesterday
and something didnt feel right. the way he looked at me.
we walked to the park and for some reason while holding his hand i felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter.
so we got there and after being on the swings a little bit we walked over to a picnic table.
and he said "uh this is kinda random, but i think we should break up."
and i was like "uh okay" completely numb.
and hes like "okay?!" i was like "why?"
hes like idk this isn't working i think it would be better if we were just friends. you deserve someone better
and im like no of course not, is it because of your ex?
hes like no its not because of her, it's not even another girl, i just kinda dont want to be in a relationship right now. and i was like trying not to cry, i didnt want him to see me cry
so i was like "should i go home?!"
hes like if you want to?
and then this fucking lady and her kid walked over and looked at us disapprovingly as if we were like making out or something
so we walked back to his house and were standing in front of the door by his garage to go inside. and im like uh yeah biting my lip, holding my arm, avoiding eye contact, trying not to cry
and so we walked inside and im like what now? hes like well you could hang here for a bit or you could go home.
and so we go to his basement and he looks for a movie to watch and he cant find anything good to watch
so im like "i guess i should call my mom, but i dont have my phone" in that shaky "you're about to cry" voice.
so he gives me his cell and i called her
she sounded confused because i had only been there for like 20 minutes and was asking for a ride home but she said she would.
so then i sat on the couch down there waiting for her to come, and he sits next to me.
by this point my eyes are completely filled with tears
and when i blinked they silently fell down my face. after a bit he moved closer and hugged me stroking my shoulder which made me silently cry even more.
Then what seemed like an eternity (15 minutes) she finally fucking got there
and he led me into the bathroom and i saw myself
mascara all under my eyes from crying
i tried to wipe it off but it wouldnt come off.
so he wet his fingers and got it off for me.
then he hugged me.
and i was like "i should have known this would have happened: because you're you, and i'm me" whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean.
and he was like-wait, no
but i ran up the stairs face to face with my now ex boyfriend's mom, my best friend (oh did i mention she's his sister?) and his FUCKING GRANDMA staring confused at my red face and tear filled eyes. i forced a smile and then ran past my mom to the car.

god save me.
pleasepleaseplease.
someone save me,

no matter how hard i try
anything triggers tears.
he sent me a song
by my favorite band death cab for cutie called someday you will be loved
and the lyrics are
"you'll be loved, you'll be loved
like you never have known
and the memories of me
will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs
like I never occurred
someday you will be loved."

and of course now im crying my eyes out
i dont even know what to do with myself.
please save me.
please.
please.
i can barely breathe.